The Alligator Problem (A Satire...)
The objective of all should be to analyse thoroughly all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon...however...when you are up to your arse in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
The country has been under siege from an outbreak of Alligators. Now we all need to follow the Alligator Eradication and/or Relocation in View of Excessive Terror Plan - AERVETPLAN. Copies of this can be found all over the place if you people just bother to have a look.
Recent media reports have suggested that spraying the alligators with Glen 20 or dipping shoes in baths of Dettol have been ineffective in warding off the alligators - this is incorrect, the alligators have spread because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU who are the WEAK LINK and who don’t believe in what you are being told. Those of you who claim that the alligators are simply walking or swimming from one property to the next, and there’s nothing able to stop them, you have no proper grasp of the way these alligators actually spread. Those that claim there are people unconnected with the swamp industry, wandering round unaware they are unwittingly spreading these alligators, it is your job to inform them - tackle them to the ground if necessary, and dip them in antiseptic before they do more damage! We WILL get on top of these alligators - we just haven’t given it enough time and effort. And if you don’t jack up your ideas and try harder, you will be fined $30,000.
Another problem is the perception that an actual increase in the number of alligators has been seen by the uninformed to indicate that the AERVETPLAN is not working - this is rubbish, the alligators have only colonised the swamp, which is where we expected them to go all along. For those who have pointed out that they have gone beyond the projected boundaries - this is rubbish, we were just not aware of quite how far how far the swamp extended. This strain of alligator rarely eats people anyway, if they get you, there is very chance you'll get over it so don't panic.
It is also obvious to anyone who bothers to think about it, that an actual INCREASE in the number of alligators is a CLEAR INDICATION that the strategy is working and that it merely heralds a DRAMATIC FALL in the number of AIPs (Alligator Infested Properties) that is about to occur, any minute now - honestly, I don’t know how simple I have to make it for you people!
The uninformed have been asking all along for Alligator Guns to shoot the alligators - we don‘t agree with this strategy, because if the landscape is littered with dead alligators, we will have problems working out where the live ones are. There is always the risk that one of the “dead” alligators might be not quite dead and it could go off and breed. I know Alligator Guns were used overseas, but this was a short-sighted attempt that does not guarantee that the alligators might not come back some time in the future, and you would have to buy bullets constantly and no-one wants that expense, particularly not the government! It is true that we have distributed some Alligator Guns, but only to the Swamp Racing Authority, they have to go ahead with their business of what sort of state would we be in? We need the Swamp Racing Carnival revenue or we will have to levy Alligator Management Fees from the rest of you. And you can’t have any Alligator Guns, you’re so surrounded by them they’re about to get you anyway and it would be a waste of resources, I’d be surprised if you could even aim straight, so don’t bother asking. If we have any left over, we'll think about giving them out later, so stop complaining that you are "sitting ducks"!
Those people who have been stalwart in keeping alligators off their properties in the Red Zones - well done! As a reward for your diligence, you will receive absolutely no assistance - but please inform us as soon as the alligators actually get you, it is important for our statistics.
To the people in the South who have been concerned about reports of alleged alligator sightings - we can assure you that no alligators are permitted to travel across the border, which as you know consists of an unfenced, unpatrolled section of country, one or two of the many highways into which may or may not be manned by a guy who occasionally pulls up cattle trucks. They’d spot an alligator a mile off! And don’t expect the police to waste their time, they are busy catching criminals! It may be that there have been sightings of the odd lizard down there but certainly no alligators, if you were experts you would immediately spot the difference.
I would like to assure everyone once again that every effort is being made to eradicate the alligators, we have done a survey and the overwhelming response was that everyone wanted to turn back time, to the Pre-Alligator Era. We are confident that this can be achieved, as evidenced by the predicted meteoric increase in the number of AIPs and the apparently exponential number of alligators out there. We knew this would happen, so we are still in control of the situation.
Assistance is available to anyone who applies, as long as they are in possession of an ABN - yes, I can hear all the hobbyists squealing, but if you were paying taxes for your swamp recreational activities you would be entitled to handouts. If you don’t like the situation, go and get another sort of job until the alligator crisis passes. There are some jobs with the Alligator Management Authority coming up, put your name down and we will eventually let the agencies know what sort of workers are needed, bit too busy now but we will definitely get around to it soon.
In the meantime, keep up those disinfection protocols and remember, as soon as the temperature gets to 37 degrees, the alligators will probably stop breeding! And furthermore, we expect that as soon as they run out of swamp, the problem will burn itself out!
Anyway, better go, I have a meeting in half an hour with the Director of Swamp Racing about retaining a stockpile of Alligator Guns for the big carnival - as long as we get through that, I am sure everything will sort itself out….
Portnoy Obfuscate
Minister For Alligator Control
The country has been under siege from an outbreak of Alligators. Now we all need to follow the Alligator Eradication and/or Relocation in View of Excessive Terror Plan - AERVETPLAN. Copies of this can be found all over the place if you people just bother to have a look.
Recent media reports have suggested that spraying the alligators with Glen 20 or dipping shoes in baths of Dettol have been ineffective in warding off the alligators - this is incorrect, the alligators have spread because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU who are the WEAK LINK and who don’t believe in what you are being told. Those of you who claim that the alligators are simply walking or swimming from one property to the next, and there’s nothing able to stop them, you have no proper grasp of the way these alligators actually spread. Those that claim there are people unconnected with the swamp industry, wandering round unaware they are unwittingly spreading these alligators, it is your job to inform them - tackle them to the ground if necessary, and dip them in antiseptic before they do more damage! We WILL get on top of these alligators - we just haven’t given it enough time and effort. And if you don’t jack up your ideas and try harder, you will be fined $30,000.
Another problem is the perception that an actual increase in the number of alligators has been seen by the uninformed to indicate that the AERVETPLAN is not working - this is rubbish, the alligators have only colonised the swamp, which is where we expected them to go all along. For those who have pointed out that they have gone beyond the projected boundaries - this is rubbish, we were just not aware of quite how far how far the swamp extended. This strain of alligator rarely eats people anyway, if they get you, there is very chance you'll get over it so don't panic.
It is also obvious to anyone who bothers to think about it, that an actual INCREASE in the number of alligators is a CLEAR INDICATION that the strategy is working and that it merely heralds a DRAMATIC FALL in the number of AIPs (Alligator Infested Properties) that is about to occur, any minute now - honestly, I don’t know how simple I have to make it for you people!
The uninformed have been asking all along for Alligator Guns to shoot the alligators - we don‘t agree with this strategy, because if the landscape is littered with dead alligators, we will have problems working out where the live ones are. There is always the risk that one of the “dead” alligators might be not quite dead and it could go off and breed. I know Alligator Guns were used overseas, but this was a short-sighted attempt that does not guarantee that the alligators might not come back some time in the future, and you would have to buy bullets constantly and no-one wants that expense, particularly not the government! It is true that we have distributed some Alligator Guns, but only to the Swamp Racing Authority, they have to go ahead with their business of what sort of state would we be in? We need the Swamp Racing Carnival revenue or we will have to levy Alligator Management Fees from the rest of you. And you can’t have any Alligator Guns, you’re so surrounded by them they’re about to get you anyway and it would be a waste of resources, I’d be surprised if you could even aim straight, so don’t bother asking. If we have any left over, we'll think about giving them out later, so stop complaining that you are "sitting ducks"!
Those people who have been stalwart in keeping alligators off their properties in the Red Zones - well done! As a reward for your diligence, you will receive absolutely no assistance - but please inform us as soon as the alligators actually get you, it is important for our statistics.
To the people in the South who have been concerned about reports of alleged alligator sightings - we can assure you that no alligators are permitted to travel across the border, which as you know consists of an unfenced, unpatrolled section of country, one or two of the many highways into which may or may not be manned by a guy who occasionally pulls up cattle trucks. They’d spot an alligator a mile off! And don’t expect the police to waste their time, they are busy catching criminals! It may be that there have been sightings of the odd lizard down there but certainly no alligators, if you were experts you would immediately spot the difference.
I would like to assure everyone once again that every effort is being made to eradicate the alligators, we have done a survey and the overwhelming response was that everyone wanted to turn back time, to the Pre-Alligator Era. We are confident that this can be achieved, as evidenced by the predicted meteoric increase in the number of AIPs and the apparently exponential number of alligators out there. We knew this would happen, so we are still in control of the situation.
Assistance is available to anyone who applies, as long as they are in possession of an ABN - yes, I can hear all the hobbyists squealing, but if you were paying taxes for your swamp recreational activities you would be entitled to handouts. If you don’t like the situation, go and get another sort of job until the alligator crisis passes. There are some jobs with the Alligator Management Authority coming up, put your name down and we will eventually let the agencies know what sort of workers are needed, bit too busy now but we will definitely get around to it soon.
In the meantime, keep up those disinfection protocols and remember, as soon as the temperature gets to 37 degrees, the alligators will probably stop breeding! And furthermore, we expect that as soon as they run out of swamp, the problem will burn itself out!
Anyway, better go, I have a meeting in half an hour with the Director of Swamp Racing about retaining a stockpile of Alligator Guns for the big carnival - as long as we get through that, I am sure everything will sort itself out….
Portnoy Obfuscate
Minister For Alligator Control
posted by Horse Deals at
10:43 am
8 Comments:
Thankyou so much for some much needed humor (and home truths) in this very sad and difficult time.
Cheers
Michelle
Great reading - thank you
Brilliant!!
Obviously a government official too frightened to put his/her name to their Blog. It's because of Government bungling in the first place that we are in this position and you ask us to keep tolerating bungling in your poor taste satire. **** YOU. Crawl back to the murky swamp and live with the alligators like we all now have to you piece of swamp scum.
LB (At least I'm prepared to use my real initials)
P.S - As a squealing hobbyist that pays taxes (probably funding your pathetic job) your paternalistic view and wording "handouts" says it all really.
Sorry, LB, but some people just don't get it...It's a JOKE - ie a SEND-UP of the current Government bungling. The views are not my real ones and I did actually put the word "satire" in the heading...
"Portnoy"
Good on you anonymous. I totally agree with you. Why is it that some people can even see this as humour, i definatly cannot see the humour in it.
Enjoyed your satire very much. I had tears running down my face from laughing. It's just a pity that it is so true of the way EI is being handled. Thank you.
Very, very clever, great laugh, hilarious. Thanks for the brilliant bit of humour, particularly good at this time. Kate Pither
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